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Toyoshiko! Bark Friend Machine/Transcript

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Act I
[Scene I- Ext. Shelter 17 Field Enclosure]

(We see Sparky and the blue squirrel hammering down a railroad spike into the ground. A rope with knots tied at intervals is tied to the spike. Strudel runs up to the spike and grabs the rope, dragging it stage right. The camera pans with Strudel, revealing Lucky, Squirt and Cookie watching her.)

Squirt: Hey, what's that wiener genius up to now?
Cookie: I don't know, but I bet whatever it is, I bet I don't understand it.
(Strudel ties the rope to another spike. The squirrels strum the rope, making sure it's tight, as Niblet runs up.)
Niblet: Oh boy, tug of war! (Gnaws on the rope. The squirrels squeak angrily at him.) --or not.
Strudel: (Counting the knots as Mr. Nut Nut walks by her with a calculator) Seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five…
Lucky: Okay, I'm curious.
Strudel: …and one-hundred and thirty-four (turns to Mr. Nut Nut) equals…
Mr. Nut Nut: (Enters in several numbers into a calculator.) *Squeaks happily* (holds up calculator, revealing the number 3.141592 on the screen).
Strudel: (Reading calculator) Three point one four one five nine two, stupendous!
Lucky: Strudel, what is it?
Strudel: You won't believe this, but if you multiply the diameter of the parking lot by the height of the fence then divide by the length of this kennel, you get Pi! (Mr. Nut Nut holds up the calculator proudly)
Niblet: (As Lucky, Cookie, Squirt and himself look confused at Strudel) ...Cherry or pumpkin?
Strudel: (Angrily) No, no, not pie pie; Pi Pi, as in three point one four one five nine- the magic number of Euclidean Geometry! (Sadly) Doesn't anyone share my excitement?
Lucky: We share it, Strudel, we don't understand it, but we share it.
Strudel: *Sigh* Nobody gets me.
(A car honks offscreen, causing Strudel to look stage left. A white limo with two antenna flags, one American and one Japanese, rolls through Shelter 17's gate.)
Squirt: Looks like we got visitors.
Lucky: You know the drill, everybody bark! (the gang, minus Strudel run up to the fence and barks at the passing limousine)
Strudel: *Moan* (sadly, halfheartedly) Woof, woof.
Leonard McLeish: (Runs up and opens limo's door. Three Japanese men walk out) Mr. Sasaki, welcome to my humble pound! I am so pleased to meet you. *Clears throat* (bows) *starts speaking Japanese*
Mr. Sasaki: (Bows) *Replies with more Japanese*
Leonard McLeish: (Still bowing) I have no idea what you just said.
Milton Feltwaddle: (Offscreen) That's quite alright, Mr. McLeish. (Walking from behind the limo) He has no idea what you just said, either. Mr. Sasaki only speaks Japanese. I'm Milton Feltwaddle, by the way; Assistant Vice President of North American Operations and your interpreter.
Leonard McLeish: (Still bowing) Perfect! I should probably stop bowing, shouldn't I?
Milton Feltwaddle: I think that would by a swell idea.
Leonard McLeish: To the office! (Runs offscreen, while the four men stare at him confused)
Lucky: (Still in the kennel) Hmm, interesting. I think it's time for a little eavesdropping (walks offscreen, stage right).

[Scene II- Int. McLeish's Office and Shelter 17 Pound Puppy Operations]

Person Dressed up in a Geisha Outfit Singing Japanese Traditional Folk Song: (In a high-pitched voice, pouring tea for the four men) Sakura…Sakura…noyama mo sato mo (turns around, revealing "she's" just Olaf in a Geisha dress) (In normal pitch voice) *Coughs hard* Sorry, that's all I memorized. Bottoms up!
(Pan in on McLeish's laptop, whose webcam moves. Cut to Shelter 17, revealing that the dogs have the office bugged and are watching on a computer monitor. The five look at each other confusedly.)
Leonard McLeish: (On computer monitor) For an old handyman, Olaf sings like a dream, don't you think?
Milton Feltwaddle: (Back in the office; Milton's voice is slightly disturbed) Uh, yeah, but onto business. As I mentioned earlier, Mr. Sasaki and his associates represent Poochishita Incorporated. But what you may not know, is that in Asia, they've made dog-catching a billion-dollar business.
Leonard McLeish: (Surprised) B-billion?!
Milton Feltwaddle: They're fixing to expand into America.
Mr. Sasaki: *Speaks Japanese*
Leonard McLeish: Uh, what did he say?
Milton Feltwaddle: He says that Kennel 17 has the best placement record in the entire world.
Lucky: (Back in Shelter 17) Did you hear that?
Strudel: Simply the best!
Leonard McLeish: (On the computer's speakers) And it's all because of me!
(The five growl angrily at the computer)
Milton Feltwaddle: (Back in the office) That's right, which is why- pending approval from the city -we are acquiring this property and putting you in charge of Poochishita's very first office on the continent.
Leonard McLeish: Oh, boy!
Mr. Sasaki: (Claps) *Speaks Japanese* (his two assistants stand up. One takes out a box from his coat and pushes a button on it. The box expands to reveal what appears to be McLeish's office sitting next to a large metal cone)
Milton Feltwaddle: Welcome, Mr. McLeish, to the future of Shelter 17!
Leonard McLeish: *Gasp* It's huge!
Strudel: (Back in Shelter 17) A little too huge, perhaps.
Cookie: Too huge, my tail. Think of all the dogs we'll be able to place.
Squirt: Yeah, we're the luckiest Pound Puppy unit in the world!
Lucky: Yeah, I wonder.
Milton Feltwaddle: And now to celebrate, your gift. (turns) Mr. Susaki…
Mr. Susaki: *Speaks Japanese* (One of his assistants hands a gift box to Mr. McLeish)
Leonard McLeish: (Excitedly) Ay ay ay. (sadly) Wh-what? (takes robot dog out of the box; tone is disgusted at first, but pretends to enjoy it) A dog?! Like I need another one of those-- I mean, goodie (hugs robot).
Milton Feltwaddle: This is no mere dog. She is Toyoshiko, Bark Friend Machine! Bark, Toyoshiko.
Toyoshiko: Bark... bark bark.
Mr. Susaki: *Talks in Japanese for several seconds* (all five men stand up)
Milton Feltwaddle: He says goodbye. But I'll by back to fill you in on how the deal is coming.
Squirt: (Back at Shelter 17, where else?) A super kennel- how cool is that?!
Niblet: I wanna see the robot doggie. (Niblet, Cookie and Squirt rush offscreen, stage left)
Lucky: Hey, Strudel, you coming?
Strudel: (Smiling) I'll be up in a moment, I just need to check something out.
(Lucky nods and leaves. As soon as he leaves, Strudel looks at the model on the monitor worried)

[Scene III- Ext. McLeish's Office/Shelter 17]

Milton Feltwaddle: (By limo. Lucky, Squirt, Cookie and Niblet are watching behind the fence) Remember, don't let Toyoshiko out of your sight. Bond with her.
Leonard McLeish: Oh don't you worry, (holds up Toyoshiko) me and little toilet here--
Milton Feltwaddle: (Correcting) Toyoshiko.

Leonard McLeish: We'll be the best of friends! (hugs Toyoshiko)
Milton Feltwaddle: Super. (goes into limo)
(Leonard McLeish waves as the limousine leave the shelter, then drops Toyoshiko when nobody's looking)
Toyoshiko: Bark…bark bark.
Leonard McLeish: (Disgusted) Ugh. (drops Toyoshiko)
Toyoshiko: (Gets up) Bark…bark bark.
Leonard McLeish: Get lost, shoo. (pulls ball out of pocket) Go! (throws ball towards the kennel, where the gang is watching. Toyoshiko barks and chases it) Problem solved. (to Olaf) Now, come help me ogle my new office building.
Olaf: (Still in his Geisha dress) Ogling is what I do best! (walks with Mr. McLeish back into his office)
Toyoshiko: (Walks up to fence) Bark…bark bark.
Squirt, Cookie and Niblet: Awww.
Cookie: That is one adorable, useless gadget.
Lucky: Yeah, a useless gadget that they demanded McLeish take.
Squirt: Eh, what are you talking about, boss?
Lucky: I don't know, but something's bugging me about this whole deal.
Strudel: (Walking from one of the kennels) Something's bugging me, too. I made some calculations based on McLeish's model and, according to the data, a structure that size will--
Toyoshiko: Bark… bark bark.
Strudel: (Smiling) Awww, what an endearing piece of technology. (Refocuses) Anyway, as I was saying--
Toyoshiko: Bark… bark. (climbs fence and undoes lock, allowing the door to open and Toyoshiko to come in; she jumps down, landing in front of Strudel)
Strudel: (Surprised) Such a smart machine!
Toyoshiko: Thank you for the compliment, talking dog, but it was really quite simple. Using Euclidian Geometry, I merely calculated the necessary movements and opened the latch with my darling little muzzle.
Niblet: *Gasp* It's a robot doggie that talks!
Toyoshiko: Of course I talk, as do all of you, I note, although the dog I am most drawn to is this female dachshund. I am pleased to meet you, female dachshund. My name is Toyoshiko, but you can call me Toyo. Would you like to bond with me?
Strudel: Uh, sure, robot dog. It's always nice to meet a… uh, thing that enjoys geometry.
Toyoshiko: Excellent! We are at this moment now the best of friends. Forever and ever and ever. (Toyoshiko steps closer to Strudel with each iteration of 'ever')
Strudel: (Laughs nervously)
(Fade to black)

[End of Act I]

Act II

[Scene I- Shelter 17 Ext. Field Enclosure]

(Strudel and Toyoshiko are walking alongside the doghouses)

Toyoshiko: ...so the first theoretical Greyhound scientist says to the other theoretical Greyhound scientist- "If you're so concerned about aging, then simply try to travel at near the speed of light!"

(Strudel and Toyoshiko laugh at the joke)

Strudel: Oh, Toyo- that is rich! Such a sense of humor. Amazing, don't you think?

Lucky: Uh, Strudel- you were saying something about the new pound.

Strudel: Ach; of course. Follow me, please. I can show you the problem (The Pound Puppies, save for Lucky and Strudel, head underground) Toyo- we have interal business to attend to. Please go back to dogcatcher McLeish.

Toyoshiko: (Tone is sad) dogcatcher McLeish has not bonded with me. I refuse to return to him!

Squirt: (Tone is surprised) that thing really is smart!

Strudel: Very well, then. Come along. (Turns to Lucky) what could it hurt? (Jumps down to the HQ)

(Lucky raises an eyebrow, concerned, but says nothing)

[Scene II- Shelter 17 Pound Puppies HQ]

Strudel: The computer is compiling a 3-D model of the new pound. (Computer dings off-screen) It is ready. (Turns to the computer, addressing the squirrels) now, then, squirrels- press the bone key, the kibble key, the fire hydrant key, then the dog key, the squeaky toy key, then the key with the squiggly thingamajig.

Computer: (Pop-up appears on screen) are you sure that you want to erase your entire hard drive?

Strudel: (Tone is urgent and worried) no! Stop! Back away from the machine! There must have been some kind of miscalculation...

Toyoshiko: Perhaps I can be of assistance. (USB plug connected to cable extends from Toyoshiko's forehead and links to the computer)

Strudel: (Tone is impressed) very nice, Toyoshiko.

(Squirrels grumble mockingly, clearly annoyed by Toyoshiko's technical prowess)

(Computer displays image of pound, Poochishita extension and the Pound Puppies HQ underneath; extension collapses through the hollowed-out ground and wrecks the HQ)

Strudel: (Speaking off-screen as digital model goes through collapse) Toyoshiko, reveal lower levels. As you can see, Poochishita's structure will sink belowground. It will collapse our tunnels!

Squirt: (Tone is worried) but it's taken the Pound Puppies generations to dig those tunnels!

Cookie: (Tone is equally worried) now we know what's been bugging Lucky!

Lucky: (Tone is suspicious) somehow, I still think it's just the tip of the iceberg. But first things first- we've gotta stop this!

Squirt: How are we gonna do that?

Toyoshiko: If I may offer my humble opinion...

Lucky: (Tone is hesitant) uh, sure, Toyoshiko- go ahead.

Toyoshiko: (Tone is firm) no way, no how!

Lucky: ...unless we show them that Shelter 17's record isn't as sterling as they think it is.

[Scene III- Shelter 17 Parking Lot]

(Limousine pulls into the parking lot; Milton Feltwaddle steps out)

Lucky: (Turns to Sparky and Mr. Nut Nut) you boys ready?

(Squirrels laugh, each shaking a can of whipped cream)

McLeish: Mr. Feltwaddle, welcome back! I suppose you're here to report on the progress of the building and to begin construction?

Milton: (Tone is slightly anxious) uh, negotiations are slow, but we are in the process of acquiring the property. (Looks around) uh, say- where's Toyoshiko?

McLeish: You mean Matoya? That girl who does Olaf's hair?

Milton: (Tone becomes tense) Toyoshiko- the robot dog! I can only presume you two are bonding?

McLeish: Oh, sure- bonding like glue! I think it's off taking a robo-nap somewhere. After all, this is such a relaxing and well-run organization.

(Crazed barking comes from off-screen; both McLeish and Milton have concerned looks on their faces as they turn to the kennels)

Milton: (Tone is horrified) what in the Sam T. Hill is going on?!

(Lucky, Cookie, Squirt and Niblet all have whipped cream on their face, making it seem like they have rabies; all are barking with angry looks on their faces)

Milton: (Tone is concerned) Mr. McLeish, what on Earth happened to your well-run, efficient pound? These dogs all have rabies!

McLeish: (Has been rendered speechless) I... I...

(Niblet continues growling, but gets some whipped cream up his nose; he twitches a few times before sneezing)

Milton: (Cautiously tastes some of the fake rabies; tone is confused at first) whipped cream? (Tone becomes approving) Mr. McLeish, you are a master!

McLeish: (Tone is confused) I am?

Milton: (Tone is approving) yes! You give the dogs cream to make their coats shine- irresistible to adopting families!

McLeish: Uh, yes! It's brilliant, don't you think?

Milton: I just knew that we picked the right man for the job! Pet Toyoshiko for me- I'll be back with good news! (Gets into limo and drives off)

(Camera returns to face the Pound Puppies- Lucky and Cookie, in particular, who stand still and quiet, clearly upset that the plan failed)

Cookie: (Trying to put a positive spin on things) at least we'll have shiny coats. (Lucky's face droops; he isn't happy...)

[Scene IV- Pound Puppies HQ, Shelter 17]

(Lucky is pacing back and forth in concern, trying to come up with a plan; the other Pound Puppies watch, concerned)

Cookie: You may as well face facts, Lucky. There's nothing that can stop that construction.

Squirt: We'll have to shut down our operation; start all over from scratch!

Niblet: (Tone is dejected) oh, I hate moving! I'll have to make new friends!

Squirt: We'll be going with you.

Niblet: Hooray!

Strudel: If I may, Toyo and I have been talking things over...

Toyoshiko: ...and we may have a solution.

Strudel: The new construction would collapse our tunnels, but what if we were to build a new tunnel, away from the construction?

Squirt: (Tone is incredulous) are you out of your ever-loving noggin?! The rock that way is solid granite- ya can't doggy dig through that!

Strudel: Which is why we have invented this- (Pulls out chalk-drawn blueprint for a digging machine) the Canine Subterranean Tunneling Vehicle!

Lucky: (Tone is approving, yet slightly confused) I... like it! ...I think.

Strudel: The concept is simple- if we...

Toyoshiko: ...we can bore to a width of...

Strudel: ...meaning...

Strudel and Toyoshiko: ...we can create a new tunnel in no time at all!

Lucky: (Still partially confused) I... won't pretend to have understood any of that, but- lacking other options, I say- Go, Dogs, Go!

Strudel and Toyoshiko: To the lab!

[Scene V- Canine Subterranean Tunneling Vehicle Construction Montage; takes place in the Shelter 17 exterior and in Pound Puppies HQ]

(McLeish and Olaf are wearing construction hats, preparing to set up for the construction of the new office building)

Leonard McLeish: Talk about initiative! I had blueprints made in advance.

Olaf: Nice work, sir!

Leonard McLeish: Stop kissing up, Olaf, and start marking boundaries.

Olaf: (Begins counting, though he does mess up early) one, two, three, five...

Leonard McLeish: Careful, Olaf- no mistakes! Nothing escapes the notice of Leonard McLeish! (Follows Olaf off-screen to the right)

(Back on-screen, Niblet and Squirt steal two trashcans, transporting them below ground- how is never revealed -as Strudel and Toyoshiko begin to use welding equipment to build their device; later, the Pound Puppies bring in a wrecked shopping cart, a discarded red wagon and other wheeled items to take their wheels for the construction)

Toyoshiko: (Begins to scan each of the wheels presented with a laser scanner) this wheel is too large. This one will function, as will this one.

Strudel: You are a marvel, Toyoshiko.

Lucky: (Aside to Cookie; tone is suspicious) what kid's toy gauges diameter with a laser scanner?

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